Improve Negative Relationships by Changing a Few of the Words You Use
By Harriet Meyerson
How often do you think about the meanings of the words that you use
every day? Like most people, do you just utter the words that seem to flow
naturally from your mouth? Some of the words that you commonly use may
actually have a negative influence on people. This can create a negative
relationship with the very people with whom you would like to have a good
relationship.
Here are some places where you might run into trouble by inadvertently
using negative words: leaving a message on an answering machine, talking with
a colleague at work, chatting with a neighbor, meeting with your children’s
teachers, and relating with your family and friends.
Here’s how you can eliminate six commonly used negative words and replace
them with positive words.
PROBLEMS become SITUATIONS
A negative statement would be, “I have a problem at work.” Contrast this
with the more positive, “I have a difficult situation at work.”
A problem seems as though it is stuck to you and will always be there. It
weighs heavy on your shoulders. A situation, on the other hand, seems
temporary and solvable. It has a much lighter feel to it, and it won’t cause
as much anxiety.
ALWAYS and NEVER become OFTEN and SELDOM
A negative statement would be, “You never take me anywhere. We always stay
home and watch TV.” Contrast this with the more positive, “ Since we seldom go
out in the evenings, and we’re often so tired we just watch TV, I get
frustrated. I would love to have a special evening out with you. Can we plan
one together?”
Always and never are negative words because they are rarely true and
exaggerate a situation. Since they are usually used to criticize, people feel
attacked and become defensive. The worst part is that others may focus on your
exaggeration and entirely ignore your message. In the second statement,
however, you are explaining your own feelings and desires, so there is no need
for your partner to get defensive, and you are more likely to get your wish -
an enjoyable evening out.
SHOULD HAVE becomes COULD HAVE
A negative statement would be, “You should have worked on that management
report instead of filing papers.” Contrast this with the more positive, “You
could have worked on that management report instead of filing papers.” Using
the words, should have, creates guilt and shame for something that has already
been done and cannot be changed, whereas the words, could have, don’t condemn
anyone. They let someone know he or she had a choice, and this experience then
becomes a lesson for making better choices in the future.
BAD becomes UNWISE
A negative statement would be, “You were really bad for missing work when
we had a deadline to meet.” Contrast this with the more positive “Missing work
when we had a deadline to meet was not a wise decision. The rest of us had to
work overtime. Would you please find a way to make it up to us.”
Using the word, bad, is a judgement of a person’s character, and causes
resentment. On the other hand, using the word, unwise, refers to the natural
consequences of the person’s actions, and doesn’t judge a person’s basic
character.
FAULTS become DIFFERENCES
A negative statement would be, “One of his faults that drives me crazy, is
that his desk is always a mess.” Contrast this with the more positive, “One of
the differences between us is that he keeps his desk messy, while I get
frustrated unless everything is put in its place.”
In using the word, faults, you are judging someone’s actions as right or
wrong. Using the word, differences, removes the critical tone, because you are
pointing out how you are different, not that one person is right or wrong.
MISTAKES become VALUABLE LESSONS
A negative statement would be, “You made a mistake.” Contrast this with the
more positive, “There is a valuable lesson in what you did.” The first way
makes others feel ashamed of what they did, and will probably inhibit them
from trying new things in the future. The second way gives others something
positive to do - to learn from their actions, thereby encouraging learning and
experimentation.
The bottom line is that words can either be destructive or enriching to
your relationships with other people. So, before you allow the words to simply
flow out of your mouth without considering what they mean, remember this one
very important word - THINK.
About the author: Harriet Meyerson, president of The
Confidence Center, works with companies that want confident, loyal, and
happy employees, and with individuals who want the confidence they need
for success. Harriet is a member of the National Speakers Association and
the author of Fire Up Your Staff on a Shoestring Budget.
Visit the Confidence Center web site for - Free employee
morale newsletter. Free articles on employee success and personal
confidence. Free articles for your company or association newsletters.
Seminar, and telephone coaching information. Free daily fun stuff. http://www.ConfidenceCenter.com
E-mail: Harriet@ConfidenceCenter.com
| An error occurred on the server when processing the URL. Please contact the system administrator. If you are the system administrator please click here to find out more about this error. | | | | 
